Friday, December 31, 2010
The goal: Stop being my own worst enemy
I could begin by analyzing the minute details of what led to me latest heartbreak, but I want the first post to be a positive one. I could say that the man-child I've been dating since March up and left just before Christmas without any sign that he was about to disappear, but there were signs. Millions of them. From the first time he stood me up. The first time. The first time he disappeared for an entire weekend. The first time. The first time he didn't call, or was late, or got drunk and vomited on himself (that one makes my heart smile). I could rage, scream, start a Facebook rumor that he has searing case of Herpes, but none of that would make me feel better or change the fact that he is not the problem at all.
I am my own worst enemy.
I have had a boyfriend or husband in my life consistently and without interruption since the onset of puberty. I know it is textbook, a girl without her father will be promiscuous and seek out the love and approval of men, when all she really wants is the love of the father that would never give it. I get it. We all get it, but living it is different. Changing it feels impossible. Yet, somehow a small part of me believes it is possible because here I am. Blogging for accountability, making a promise to myself, setting an intention and praying to God to give me the strength to achieve success.
The Goal, my measure of success, is not to need a man in my life. Not to accept anyone in my life that does not give me the respect and love that I deserve.
The goal is to be okay with being alone for the first time in my life.
Damn, this goal feels excruciatingly painful and difficult already. I am expecting withdrawal to hit with the force of an elephant stampede. and I believe that it will crash over me again and again. I have to accept that and be ready. Power through, if you will.
And so begins my year without men...yikes.
And I haven't even thought about where the sex part comes in. That will be addressed, I'm sure, in numerous subsequent postings.
The Rules:
1. Write a post once everyday.
2. Always be honest, even if embarrassing or humiliating.
3. Never quit. Give the same unrelenting dedication and commitment to this that I gave to each shitty relationship. My new relationship is with myself. Time to be loving and unselfish with myself.
I am my own worst enemy.
I have had a boyfriend or husband in my life consistently and without interruption since the onset of puberty. I know it is textbook, a girl without her father will be promiscuous and seek out the love and approval of men, when all she really wants is the love of the father that would never give it. I get it. We all get it, but living it is different. Changing it feels impossible. Yet, somehow a small part of me believes it is possible because here I am. Blogging for accountability, making a promise to myself, setting an intention and praying to God to give me the strength to achieve success.
The Goal, my measure of success, is not to need a man in my life. Not to accept anyone in my life that does not give me the respect and love that I deserve.
The goal is to be okay with being alone for the first time in my life.
Damn, this goal feels excruciatingly painful and difficult already. I am expecting withdrawal to hit with the force of an elephant stampede. and I believe that it will crash over me again and again. I have to accept that and be ready. Power through, if you will.
And so begins my year without men...yikes.
And I haven't even thought about where the sex part comes in. That will be addressed, I'm sure, in numerous subsequent postings.
The Rules:
1. Write a post once everyday.
2. Always be honest, even if embarrassing or humiliating.
3. Never quit. Give the same unrelenting dedication and commitment to this that I gave to each shitty relationship. My new relationship is with myself. Time to be loving and unselfish with myself.
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