Falling off the wagon.

I am going to keep to at least one of my promises.  Even though I don't feel like it, I am writing today.  This may be the only thing keeping me sane at this point.

Manchild is back in the nook.  He shouldn't be.  He isn't really sorry for ignoring my calls and texts and not making any attempt at contact for two weeks of the Christmas and New Years holidays.  He argues with me that he needed to focus on his family.  Just a BS excuse, I know.  Yet, I listen to the BS excuse.  I don't feel in control of my life right now.

I know that it is wrong to be with him, yet I can't seem to stop.  It is addiction at it's worst.  I am unable let go of someone that causes me to be so self-destructive.  When I'm not with him, I want another hit.  When I'm with him, it's not enough.  I am building a tolerance.

I know that I am wrong.  I am avoiding my BF at the moment because she keeps me honest and at the moment I don't want to be.  I just want to cling on to him tightly while he is here.  At the moment, I want to feel good.  My BF tells me not to let people shit on my face and I am letting him shit on my face.  While she may not be a poet, she is absolutely on the mark. I just can't face the truth right now.

On the flip side, I want more than he will ever be able to give me.  I want reciprocal love.  I want a man that will go to great lengths for me, the way I'd do for him.  I want a partner, lover, and friend.  I want to be happy and share that happiness with a man deserving of it.  I want my two boys to see what a real, healthy loving relationship should look like.  All of this feels so out of reach right now.  I am under quarantine, hiding out from friends and family who will pass judgment on me for letting Manchild back in the nook. If we are only as sick as our secrets, I am terminal.

There is only one thing left to do now.  Acknowledge that I am not strong enough to get out of this alone.

I am going to pray to God and ask Him to take this burden from me.  Ask Him for guidance.  And remember that even when I a not loving myself, God does love me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Today, this is my mantra and plea for help.